Written by soulsmoker at 04:20 AM. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
suddenly, i wanted to know what you think of me..
as if it still matters..
wala lang..
{ mood } awake
Written by lifeisabitch at 05:42 AM. Filed under thinking aloud.
I'm going to take a deep breath and let all the negative vibes out. As far as my bullcrap intolerant self goes, I'm sure I can be logical about the whole situation. And for the record, I cannot hate you. I...love you more than my pride. Ok, so you were exchanging emails with this Lauren shi*, excuse me, and you emailed her first asking how is she. Uhm, hello? I was hospitalized for 2 weeks last month and did you send me an email? No? Yeah, I thought so too. But it's ok, I understand, you were so busy with school and the restaurant that time right, sweetie?
Next, your email was dated 11/22/09, 11:24am, wow. I thought you teach from 8-12 and you have no breaks because you wanted to maximize your teaching time so you could improve your R-filled english as well? (Note: he's japanese and they don't have the letter L in their alphabet). So, do you teach your students how to send emails too? How generous. You should have a raise then dear, for going an extra mile. Just make sure that your head teacher won't catch you on ym ok?..
And 3rd, you were talking about a party. And how did this Lauren shi*, excuse me, turned out to be sooo important that you felt so "alone" that time when she did not come? She your new nanny or something? Does she give you those massages now and fills your drink with lots of ice because you like it super cold? And a party?? You? You got so mad at me when I attended my soiree, (and I just sang one song!) because according to you, parties are not necessary anymore because it's for single people who wants to find a date. And I thought you hate crowds? Oh I get it. You and Lauren will just sit on a corner and be by yourselves to avoid everyone else, because you're claustrophobic. Wait. How silly of me. Maybe she's claustrophobic too!
Mahal, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you..You are so....sensitive.. I feel so stupid for accusing you of anything. And please don't hate me for reading your emails, and feel free to delete those guys on my facebook again if they make you jealous. I'm sorry. And and tell Lauren shi*, excuse me, that I'm sorry too. Tell her I said hi ok? 
So there.
{ music } Gravity
{ mood } like strangling myself
Written by lifeisabitch at 02:54 AM.
After all we have been through, I can only look at you, through the eyes you lied to..
Damn it hurts. Should I be alarmed? Is this paranoia? I've been waiting for 3 days. I checked your email and you've been replying to her, everyday. What's up with that? No one's forcing you to stay. I lived for 20 years without you and I'm so certain I can still live the rest of my life, (though heavily broken) with one less of a liar in it. Just don't take me for a fool. I've never been one. Or maybe I will be, soon, for giving you all of me.
{ music } nymphetamine
{ mood } half alive
Written by frankstub14 at 11:51 PM.
Dear G,
I miss you! It's been two months since I last saw you. I want to tell you that I like him. I am jealous everytime we'd talk about his ex,it makes me feel sick and IT SURE AS HELL bores me! so what does that mean? I LIKE HIM, right? It's all my fault. I am weak/stupid to fall inlove. Maybe, I am inlove. I know your laughing right now, and keep telling me 'WHAT? WHAT?".. while I cry and you might call him immediately. And I don't want that to happen. This will pass, I know. I used to think it would but it didn't. And now, you're telling me, he likes me too? Oh well, this is crazy! Love is not enough. WE're friends and I'd rather want to stay that way. So, what's the point? I just need to release this emotion. life's getting harder since you've been away. I'm afraid I'd get drunk one day and tell everyone the truth. Anyways, I should have not like him, in the first place, he's not even my ideal man. But he's sweet. That sucks! And he makes me feel like a Princess (though I never dream of being one) This is really really reaally stupid. I am planning to stay away from him. Good thing, he'll be busy for review.. and me? I think I should keep myself busy. Focus in school or get a part time job or find a new crush.
Any ways, I have another problem. I need to explain to B, since, I accidentally told her that I like this-guy. For Chrissake! What the hell happened to me that Monday night? I wasn't drunk yet I told her, that reallly reallly sucks.
So, I just told the world! and for goodness sake I'm not accepting the idea of US.. It won't work, I know! We know! So, stop telling me that IT MIGHT, I might think twice *haha.
I love you dear! hope you go online.. I don't think so, It's 7.49am in your place and I might buy prepaid card few minutes from now... I wanna hear your voice, that would be more than enough.
Love,
J
Written by frankstub14 at 11:04 PM.
hindi na lang totohanin ang lahat....
BAKA MASAKTAN lang..
***music sa kapitbahay.
Good choice! HAHA
Written by frankstub14 at 01:55 PM.
SLOW DOWN.
affected ako dun sa sinabi nung HS classmate ko na " Wala naman magandang bagay lumalabas sa bunganga mo". Ang mean. And I wasn't ready for that. But hell, he doesn't know you/he's not your friend so, there's no point to entertain the statement. But look, where are you? THINKING ALL OVER AGAIN.. :D Pero hindi naman ako super affected, napipikon lang ako sa kanya... Imagine, sinabi nya yun, in front of other people.. He really really sucks! HAHA and worst, hindi ko man lang na defend yung sarili ko.
DUH. YUN BA NATUTUTUNAN NYA SA LAW SCHOOL? ang inisip ko na nga lang, "INTINDIHIN MO NA LANG YUNG TAO, HINDI NAMAN YUN PAPATALO" Alam naman ng lahat na simula nung nagka-girl friend yun ay naging makitid na pag-iisip. At ayaw ko narin makipag argue.
Ang mahalaga, I know myself. Ego lang to. lagi nya na lang kasi akong pinag iinitan nun..
(I was about to post this 4 days ago pa, pero bigla akong nakita nung pinsan ko. HAHA at yun, hindi na natuloy)
Written by soulsmoker at 10:15 AM. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
i haven't had this in a long time.
the last time i had a nightmare was when i really missed tatay, so much that i saw him slipping to the next life on my bare hands. the pain was suffocating, i was crying in my dream. when i woke up, i was sobbing literally. i was really scared, so scared that my next action was to find him, wherever he was just to tell him a few things, ask him a few questions, only to find out he didn't want me anymore, for some unintelligible reasons, only him knows. it really hurt, big time!
and then last night..
i saw you in my dreams. we were great, we were happy, we were inseparable. and then, you met somebody, a friend of mine. you acted weird. you treated her in a different way. i was taken aback. i saw pain. i saw you slipping away from me. . my heart is in deep pain, really deep pain, then i was crying, crying my heart out. suddenly, i cannot breathe. i woke up, grasping for air, heavily panting while astonishingly feeling the pain i felt in my dream, i felt the pang of jealousy, the hurt of you leaving me.. when i turned to check you. you were sleeping soundly, snoring, grinding your teeth, moving from side to side.. you are still here, physically but your not heart is not here anymore, malaysia maybe..?
i do not know what to say. i was suddenly scared, again.
of course it still hurts. but i can handle it.
p.s. u smell soo goood this morning.. i wanted to bite you... lol
{ music } true colors
{ mood } scared
Written by lifeisabitch at 06:39 AM. Filed under thinking aloud.
I refrain from posting sad thoughts. Not that I'm sad today, and I just believe that in my own little way I can contribute to someone's happiness by posting happy entries. 
BUT.. yesterday I was broke. And I was upset. I searched for change, bills, coins all over my room and collected atleast 300 bucks. Shi*, i said, this isn't enough. Went downstairs and saw my baby brother on the pc and I felt bad. He shouldn't see me like that.
You know how sometimes we face challenges and we think it's unfair? But we don't see that behind that, there's a lesson to be learned. Being broke made me mad, but what about those people on the streets, unsure if they'll be able to eat all day? I was so frustrated not being able to buy things i want, for the day, but what about those people that never had the leisure of buying anything, ever. I complain about walking and it's scorching hot (coz I couldn't afford a cab so I've no choice but to go to the terminal & ride a jeep), but how about those that would die to have a pair of legs? I'm such an ingrate. Been so spoiled, spoon-fed and blinded.
Had it not been for experiences like that, I wouldn't appreciate the blessings I have-everyday. 
{ mood } LOVED and in LOVE